I'm Not a Writer

During my Elementary and High School days, I can't barely write an essay without getting bored or panicking about what the following lines would be. It is like catching my breath after hours of being underwater after I have finished an essay or a disquisition assigned by our teachers. Even as I try to write this, I do not know which language should I use; English or Filipino? I even have a Grammarly extension (which is not premium by the way) on my browser.

I love to tell stories. I love to share my experiences. I love to create made-up stories like fictional ones. I do not know if others will be interested in what I write. Why would I write if no one would read it anyway? Yes, I am wrong, it is not about how a person would like it or not, but how it would make an impact. But how can I complete or finish a book without my mind swirling around and having difficulties on how to construct each chapter, page, paragraph, lines and sequence of words?

I have the heart to write with my hands, even though my handwriting is not quite pleasant, but oh boy— I would most certainly write with my keyboard. I love the sound. I love the feeling on my hands when I press the keys. It's quite therapeutic.

But even though I find it difficult to finish an essay, an article, an assignment, a research paper, a documentation and a... book, writing seems to follow me throughout my life... Even if I don't quite like it. There is a percentage that I like it, yes, but maybe if there would be enough motivation, I would go through. But like a calling— it keeps coming back. It calls you. It echoes through you. It follows you... Even if it does not seem like... it... Being a writer. Even if I don't feel like it, even if I find it difficult... It keeps coming back, and it echoes in my mind. Maybe it is a calling... It is a calling.

I am quite frustrated with completing one. Many comments; not that I am offended and complaining, but it is because of so many mistakes, inconsistencies, and well— I find it difficult to explain what I wanted to say at times in my writings— that it made me doubt my writing. But here I am, writing... I see myself not as a writer, but something else, but here I am. Doing this, writing this.

I am about to finish the last chapter of my book, and let me tell you— It is like I am underneath the water for years. Many sharks came through. Many jellyfishes that seem pretty, but zapped me. But what I enjoyed about is the way I should swim, the way my hands should go with the waves, the way I flap my legs, and the way my body flows through the steady water...

Actually, this part feels like a great warm-up. Maybe I can do this first before writing. It just helps me to release what I really feel and you know— release the burdens, exercise my mind, and write freely.

What I remind myself,

Malayo na ang narating ko. Malayo na ang pinagdalhan sa akin ni Lord. Bakit ako titigil?

I just feel I am not a writer. I feel like I am not a good writer, but I still write.