I Do Not Know (Journal #1)

Hindi ko alam... Hindi ko alam kung may makakabasa nito ng aking isusulat. Maybe it is safe to post here, but I am still sure that this too shall be known by many.

I have a confession to make by this time... Hindi ko na alam. Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko sa gitna ng lahat ng ito. I know, Jesus said that He did not promise a suffer-free life, but He sure is always with us. Kaya naman, sa panahon na ito- I really need more of Him.

Hindi ko na alam kung ano ang gagawin ko. There are certain decisions that I needed to make and it seems unpopular for some. Ang hirap lang... Dahil hindi na ako makahinga if I do not make that decision. Hindi ako makahinga ng maluwag at ayos dahil I was thinking of what would happen. Pero in all of these, I am always reminded of Philippians 4:6-8 even if I already know this. Time by time, I needed to be reminded.

Hindi ko na talaga alam. I've been hurt, I've forgiven people and work out to love them... Pero hindi ko alam kung ano pa ba ang mabigat sa puso ko.

Ah, alam ko na... Iniisip ko... Baka kasi pinapa-act na ako ng Panginoon, pero ayaw ko pa hakbangan. Siguro doon ako nabibigatan.

Sabi nga... Sinabi na daw ni Lord sa akin ang sagot.

Ang tanong... Kailan ko gagawin? Ito na ba talaga ang sagot Niya?

If only I could just travel outside the Philippines para magnilay-nilay, letting God confine me in His presence first.

Those people who know me really knows how passionate and willing I am to be used by the Lord in the ministry, but there is something wrong with one of the places I am part of. I want to do so much for the Lord, but this place limits me. This place expects perfection. This place expects full-time attention. This place expects loyalty- disregarding the well-being or state of... the hearts and lives, and it is suffocating. It is exhausting.

I believe, God has a revelation and sees everything. I'll just wait for the time when He would show me the big picture and see the other side. For now, I'll try to understand it. I'll try to understand them and take a leap of faith when it's time to go.

*sigh