Ang Akala Ko...

"Ma'am, kamusta ka?" Bungad sa akin ng isa sa mga co-teachers ko habang naka-upo kaming lahat sa gymnasium para sa closing ng aming training (with presentation ng mga teachers kung anong natutunan sa training na magagamit sa school).

Ilang beses ko nang nadidinig ang tanong na ito from different teachers sa school kapag naka-duty. Sa tunay ay nakakapagod sumagot dahil una, nagiging careful ako to not share much or confidential information about what really is happening; Second, hindi ko alam kung ano ang isasagot ko dahil nagkapatong-patong na ang mga problema; and third, I need to go back to 0 to re-tell kung ano yung sinabi ko sa iba before. But this time, dahil nga paulit-ulit, I knew what to say...

"Medyo nagrereco-recover na"

"Ay bakit ma'am? Anong nangyari?" "Family matters and other stuff..." and I shared some general details with him.

"Halata nga ma'am na hindi ka okay" I slightly smiled even if naka-mask ako. Habang humahaba ang aming kwentuhan, we were both surprised na halos parehas ang pinagdadaanan namin. "Hala ma'am, ako din. Parehas tayo. Akala ko ako lang ang may pinagdadaanan na ganito. Kayo din pala ma'am" then, we encouraged each other. Hinding hindi ko makakalimutan ang dalawang linya na sinabi ni sir sa akin,

"You're strong mam, alam ko yun"

"Akala ko ma'am Perfect ang iyong life"

And that's when I realized...

Akala nila... Unti-unti kong nacoconfirm na ganoon ang tingin ng madami sa akin. Kahit yung family friend namin na tricycle driver; Sabi niya, strong daw ako.

Ako... Strong?

I had been through a lot. Masasabi kong hindi kasing lala ng iba, pero kung isusulat man sa MMK, ma-drama ang buhay ko/naming pamilya. Yes, my parents are separated. I am in a broken family. I am an ate. I have responsibilities na once I try to do it, napapasama pa ako. I had been clinically diagnosed with depression. And kapag nagkasabay-sabay na ang mga problema, malamang sa malamang- pwedeng ma-trigger ulit ito kapag hindi ko na nakayanan.

A lot of people witnessed the Hera who was always on stage, kumakanta, sumasayaw, nagsasalita at rumarampa. Supported by my lolo and cheered at by my friends. It was always the spotlight and I had been to places that not everyone had the privilege to go to; Kaya siguro ganoon nalamang yung impression nila of me- having a perfect life and achieving things.

Ngunit hindi alam ng lahat what are really happening behind the scenes. Lately, hindi ko na nakayanang i-conceal or itago. Halata na ang panghihina ko; Mentally and emotionally, kaya affected din ako physically. Nahihilo, nasusuka at parang pagod kahit kakagising lang.

I remember days before the presentation and closing of the training, chinat ko yung ka-collab kong teacher for the presentation and paper even if naka work from home or pinagpapahinga ako ng principal: Sir, ano po ang pwede kong maitulong? Nahihiya kasi ako... Ewan ko. Alam ko namang medyo 'di pa kaya, pero why did I offer help?

Habang ginagawa ko ang SIM/activities for mastered competencies (Ito ay para sa mga students na nag-excel on certain topics to enhance their skill/knowledge more sa topics na yun), literal na nakahiga ako sa sofa habang nagta-type sa aking laptop. Yung feeling na parang manhid yung utak ko, tapos mabigat ang pakiramdam? Ganoon. Literal na ramdam kong mahina ako habang ginagawa ko ito. I just did my best and asked strength from the only One whom I could trust. My co-teacher na aking ka-collab said, "Ma'am, ikaw pa- tiwala ako sa'yo" Sa isip isip ko,"Sir, nanghihina pa din ako."

.....

Nangingibabaw sa aking mga tenga ang palakpakan habang ina-awardan ang 'best-in' kada isang group "and for group 6" sabi ng host, "The best SIM or Strategic Intervention Material goes to... Empowerment Technologies!" Na-experience ko ulit pumalakpak mula sa puso dahil sa tuwa kahit nanghihina. Amin yun! Sigaw ng puso ko.

Credits: Sir Joselito Ilao

(Shocks, sorry, na-kuba na ako. haha)

Ang ka-collab ko naman ang naging best presenter <3 yeeeeyyy!

If I have been given the opportunity to give a speech that time (Naks. Haha), ito ang sasabihin ko, "Sa tunay po, hindi ako okay. Nanghihina ako dahil madaming nangyari recently and nangyayari ngayon. All along, I thought I was just built or born for the spotlight, na kapag usapang concept, people behind the scenes or the brain, hindi na ako kagamit-gamit. Useless na. Hindi effective. I have those insecurities. I am confident on stage, but I doubt behind the stage.

Ang ironic lang; Kung saan ako mahina, tapos nanghihina pa ako literally- doon ako napa-assign. Kaya kung may maipagmamalaki man ako sa oras na ito, hindi yung skills, utak/talino (Meron ba ako non? Joke. HAHA) o kakayahan ko, kundi ang kahinaan ko. Dahil sa aking kahinaan, mas mapapatunayan ko na ang strength o lakas ng Panginoon ang rason kung bakit natanggap namin ito. In my weakness, He is strong. Therefore, I am strong. It's not I, but Christ"

Noong una-una, I really thought of myself as a strong and independent woman. I saw myself na kayang harapin lahat ng risks and go to places I've never been before; Pero as time goes by, believing in myself and the strength that people thought I have were all vanity. My pride had been shattered and it's okay. I'd rather be humbled than abandoned. Panghahawakan ko until I die that I am not strong, but He is... Kahit ramdam kong malakas ang katawan, utak o puso ko at times, I am rest assured that it's not me. It is He, who is in me... His strength is in me.

I am not a strong and independent woman, but rather- a woman who is strengthened by and dependent on God.

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9-11 NIV)